All I want for Christmas

There are many unwritten wishes

On this blank page

I am going to be selfish

By not wishing for “You”

All I want for Christmas is

Peace for my mind

Let it come in any form

Death would too be embraced

Of my emotions

From attachments

Especially “You”

All I want for Christmas is

Peace for my Soul!

It is a week after Christmas but this was pending on 25^th December – a day which also marks my blogiversary.

I am astonished it has been 7 years since I am here. I have kept this place alive even though I had been MIA many times.

I have always been true about writing my emotions. My heartful thank to each one of you and to the few who have consistently read and “understood” between the lines.

Crossroads, again!

Image Source

Resurrection

Source

Nostalgia

Source: Pexels

I Loved Him For All The Wrong Reasons

Blindfolded with love at first sight

Or

Fear of staying alone

Whatever they were

I loved him for all the wrong reasons

Vows to give everything

Or

Selfishness to receive everything

Whatever they were

I loved him for all the wrong reasons

Desire to be loved

Or

Abused in the name of love

Whatever they were

I loved him for all the wrong reasons

Giving my time

Or 

Giving in

Whatever they were

I loved him for all the wrong reasons

It was the right time

Or

It was always wrong from start

Whatever they were

I loved him for all the wrong reasons

Source

I Want To 'Get High'

I want to get high

To forget, to feel

To forget, to love

To forget, to be loved

I want to get high

To be indifferent

To be callous

To be deaden

I want to get high

To run away from remorse

To escape the obligations

To break the expectations

I want to get high

To write what I want

To do what I want

To be who I want

I want to get high

To be a mess

To be flawed

To be just not perfect

I want to get high

To be the one

I want to be

But just couldn’t

When I am Sound!

©Beyond Horizon

Make A Room For Me In Your Heart

I trace your face with my eyes

I crave your embrace

Our touch will bring on storm

Yet

I drown into your

Tender and delicate love

Consume me to very core

Reveling in the fire desire

I want you to

Make a room for me

In your heart

But only for a while

Yes, only for a while

When the clock strikes right

I will pluck out of your heart

Leaving you bleeding

But Oh! My Love!

Here’s my heart

Forever yours

To be complete

We have to live apart

Broken together

©Beyond Horizon

I Carry You Within Me

I carry you within my soul,

In my soul, i’ll keep you safe

I’ve etched you in my heart,

In my heart, i’ll continue to love

You’re my strength,

You’re my courage

I fear no life’s conspiracy,

I fear no fate

Your love is sacred,

Your love is celestial

I carry you in my silence,

In my silence, you’ll be loved

I carry you within me,

Within me, your eternal love

©Beyond Horizon

This Is The Story Of His And Her

This is the story of His and Her

Who fell in love with each other’s words

She was known for Her kind-heartedness

Yet Her written words were fiery and ferocious

He was known for His coquettish nature

Yet His written words were alluring and devotion

This is the story of His and Her

Who never met or even saw each other

She wondered: ‘Does he stuck out his tongue or frown while writing?’

He wondered: ‘What makes Her write those lonesome words?’

She never knew the intoxicating drink bring out His captivating poetry

He never knew her life resonated in those vehement yet deserted feelings

This is the story of His and Her

Who never realised they had fallen in Love

Knowing but never saying
Close yet distant

Together but never with each other

Incompleteness made them complete

This is the story of His and Her
Who when realised they are in love

She dared to sing,

*Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own

And in your eyes you're holding mine

He wanted an affirmation:

**Sticks and stones they may break these bones

But then I'll be ready, are you ready?

It's the start of us, waking up, come on

Are you ready? I'll be ready

I don't want control, I want to let go

Cause now it's time to let them know

We are ready
What about us?

This is the story of His and Her!

*Ed Sheeran - Perfect
** P!nk - What About Us?

 Photo by Elizabeth Tsung on Unsplash

I’m an introvert

“Please say those words again”, my heart begged

“Stop! Don’t you dare!” warned my brain

I want to say, “Fuck this world, I do too!”

But I keep my mouth shut

Because I’m an introvert

I watch those oh-so-perfect Instagram and FB posts

Heck! Why ain’t my life like that?

But I silently envy them

Because I’m an introvert

They said: Say no. I said No

They said: Say yes. I said Yes (which I shouldn’t)

But I live like a puppet

Because I’m an introvert

I’m very good in masking my pain

I hide the crevices well

But I won’t utter: WTH! It hurts

Because I’m an introvert

Each heart carries a story and feet walk on a journey

Some stories do not end well,

The feet never reach the destination

But I ignore them all

Because I’m an introvert

Even you say those words all over again

I want to say: "Yes! I really love you too"

But I would never confess

Because I’m an introvert

Friend Zone

Sunday morning, the first thing is to grab Hindustan Times newspaper fastened hanging on the main door crevices (a familiar scene in most of the apartments in urban cities, ain’t it?) I am not a fan of reading news in the main supplement I find them depressive.

I wait for the weekly hindustan Brunch magazine. My relation with Brunch goes back to my teenage.  When the cover page is incredible I can’t wait to read the entire cover story. Last Sunday’s Brunch comprised Farhan Akhtars fat-free at 43 life story with his sensuous cover photo (Do read it!). 

Okay I got off-track here. I am a follower of Seema Goswami’s column - indulge in the magazine. Her words always strike a chord. This Sunday’s article was titled, ‘Friend zone'. It has no connection with Ae Dil Hai Mushkil or love. It is about friendship. Quoting her: Just one 'bestie' is not enough; you need at least five kinds of friends to survive in this world.

I often wondered the concept of ‘best friend’ or ‘bestie’. If you ask me who is your best friend? I cannot pick any 'one' as a best friend. There isn't that one friend who knows everything about my life. I love talking with H about certain things which I do not with V or few others.

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -Bernard Meltzer

While growing up I kept myself out of the loop of emotions. I experienced that when I start bonding with a friend life takes him / her away from me. Strangely I stay connected with them and this surprises me.

Let me mention their initials over here. From schooldays: V and P, during medical college J, blogging years: H, R, T and at work: J and I.

I do not speak with them every single day. I have lost touch with J which I have mentioned in this post. I tried searching her on major social media but no avail. 

I lost the one person I never thought I could lose

The other J knows me so well that there is no use of my veil I wear most of the times. J SEES THROUGH IT, and it still have amazed me, how with only few months of knowing each this person have caught the exact me - the person I am.

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself — and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.” 

Social media though has made it easy to stay connected but I miss them in-person. I want to spend time with them talking, howling, laughing over silly matters, discussion on serious matters, just being crazy and stupid. Someday I will!

What do you think?

Image credits: 

Unsplash

Pexels

Day 16 – Letter to Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dearest Oprah,

Oh my god!!! I am finally writing to you. Sorry I’m squealing like a little girl but I was a little girl when I first saw The Oprah Winfrey Show. Wasn’t I flabbergasted watching you? I tried to enact you, the way you speak. The halo of your confidence left me mesmerized. Keeping a show alive for 25 years with same enthusiasm is commendable. 

Photo by Jackie K. B. Ayres on Unsplash

I am learning lessons of life from you. I am going to be frank here they are difficult (quite next to impossible for me) to incorporate, nevertheless I am trying.

Let me confess I never get bored or tired watching your interview videos and talk show. I was listening to one of your interviews where you said after watching your mother washing clothes you thought: ‘My life is not going to be like this.’ This was you, the thoughts of a 6 year old girl!  And rest of the female population keep envisioning life to be the same like their mother.

The world doesn’t require two Oprah Winfrey so I don’t want to be like you. I am not being rude. I just want to say you are the best the one and only one. I will take in your affirmations, the attitude towards life and be ‘alive’.

My achievements are far from the people you have interviewed. Standing by your words, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” So I'm asking (hope) to meet you and what if it might come true?

Yours,

Living by your words: “I Deserve the Best!”

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10 Things I Should Have Learned While Growing up!

There are some things which are taught in school, by parents and others to learn on your own. FACT: The ‘OTHERS’ are THE ones which sustain our life and should have been taught.

1.      It is absolutely okay to say NO

Have you realised that saying ‘NO’ requires courage than saying ‘Yes’? Have you felt the heart beat increase when you want to say ‘no’ but can’t?

I wished there was someone who made me understand the importance of No rather than saying yes all the time. I learned it the hard way.

2.      It is okay to be NOT OKAY

Our upbringing has wired our brains not to disclose the true emotions. Keep hiding. Cry alone in the bathroom. Wipe the tears it is not good to cry in front of everyone. You are a big girl now. Big boys don’t cry.

Familiar?

So next time when someone asks you about your well-being throw the mask of a good girl or good boy and speak out: “No, I am not okay. Life is effed up!”

3.      Self-love

Create a ME time every single day. Bathe with warm water with infusion of Epsom salt which takes away the fatigue be it physical or mental. I listen to music, I write in my journal (not every single day), take up a task in Start Where You Are,  the self-explanatory journal. I never realized my thought process and the subconscious mind until I began working on this journal.

Start Where You Are: A Journal for Self-Exploration

4.      Investment

Everyone brags about money but no one talks about the importance of investing the hard earned money during adolescence. We give allowance to kids but forget to explain to save some of it.

I should have done it in my early twenties but it is never too late. Now I keep learning about stock market, mutual funds and invest some portion of my earnings.

I am happy the upcoming generation does have knowledge about the investments.

5.      Be Grateful

Do not wait for a crisis and then be grateful for this life. Thank for this life every time you wake up from sleep. I admire Muniba Mazari and keep repeating her words of giving gratitude to the life inside my head.

 6.      No one has time to think about you

They have big mouths to talk all the shit about you but trust me they don’t think about you all the time. So why waste time by thinking, “What will they think about me?”

7.      Menstruation is not a taboo

Do not wrap the sanitary pads in paper to hide them while buying. I have stepped in the temple on first day of my period. There wasn’t thundering or lightning, God did not stop me or ordered me saying: “You are not allowed in my premises.”

 8.      Never judge the book by its cover and people by their attire and appearance

If you judge people, you will fall hard on the face. Take my word for it.

9.      Life is short

There are going to be good days and few really really bad ones too. But Life is short so write down a bucket list; strike out what’s on it one by one because time is ticking.

My Bucket List Journal: Make Things Happen!

10.   Stay Single

Saved best for the last. *lol* 

Twitter Tuesday

Why twitter Tuesday? Because Twitter is a platform for microblogging and I want to keep this blog post short. I want to continue with the ritual of writing each day even if it is short.

Talking about ritual I listened to one of the mastery sessions (5 Powerful Rituals) by Robin Sharma on the app - Robin Sharma Speeches. (I am a freak when it comes to anything related with self-improvement, motivational and self-love. I listen to podcasts, Tony Robbins, Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, J.K.Rowling whenever my mind is calm and head clear)

The highlight of the session was “Consistency is the mother of mastery.” And consistency is what I have been lacking all throughout my life especially this year. I had listed down goals for this year but like resolutions they are melting away.

The first ritual is Waking up early (Seriously!?) I am a night owl. I have tried my best to go sleep early and wake up early. I can wake up with the help of an alarm obviously (snoozing it two times though) but after 2 hours I feel so drowsy and sleepy. I go back to sleep. (Failed! Attempt number: I have lost counts)

The other ritual I liked and want to stick to it is: The ritual of continuous learning (Becoming a 60-minute student). To elaborate it: Commit at least 60 minutes of learning each day without any distractions.

My mind is like a butterfly. (Please tell me it is same for you and am not the lone butterfly out here) After listening it I realized I do nothing like 60 minute learning. I mean not even at work. I can’t sit at stretch. I am a multitasker.

I will definitely try these rituals and keep you updated. You can read all the 5 rituals here.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

We surround ourselves with ‘What if’ and ‘but’ in life that we forget what we need to change is our ‘mindset’ and not what surrounds us. I hit the big ‘30’ mark of life this June and what did I accomplish? Nothing is the word that hits my mind. I am not living the life I dreamt of. This is not the life I wanted but this is the life I have chosen. We are trained ourselves to be ordinary and gel in the crowd right from the beginning of life. What if I want to choose ‘the road less traveled’? What if I don’t want to live life according to the social dogma?

I worked hard during academics throughout school, junior college and medical college. Five and half years of scraping my butt to be entitled as ‘doctor’ but not as the so-called mainstream one but a homeopath has led me to nowhere. Trust me we homeopaths are ridiculed and not considered as ‘doctors’. Oh right! We did not learn about the chemical ingredients that most often harms the kidney. And oh the scraping off the skin and muscles of the cadaver in first year of medical college that I did was in my fantasy! We are paid pennies for the same position which the mainstream doctor earns thousands.

I got side-tracked with the topic. Coming back, I admire and idolize Steve Jobs. I have the recording of his speech in Stanford University which I listen to often and bring myself back on the track of life I want. Few snippets of his speech:

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I try to make his words true in my life but each day I fail. I fail. I fail. I live for other people’s expectations as if they control my life. I die bit by bit each day by trying to please others. What others will think? What others will say? What if I fail? DAMN! I am already failing to achieve something which I haven’t aimed for.

Last night I finally decided to let my pen take the control of my mind and the following flowed. Even the pen hesitated to write down the thoughts but nevertheless it did not stop. Writing always saves me. (My handwriting is much better than this, the pain ruined it!)

Snippets from my Journal

When I was a teenager I wanted to be married at 25. As I grew up nearing 25 I wasn’t ready for it. Call it fate parents wish I did get married at 25. 

Like most women, I thought it would be easy once I decided to start a family. I was surprised that Mother Nature kept poking me in the eye, saying, 'Nope, nope, nope.' - Nia Vardalos

5 years down, I am struggling with infertility. The questions of ‘when’ and the fingers pointing ‘I cannot’ broke down my self-esteem into million pieces which on the contrary I did not realize. You won't understand the emotional and physical pain I endure every month. Smiling through pain isn't easy.

A total stranger made me realize how I have made my life to be doomed. His words hit me hard, strong enough to break my thinking of ‘being incompetent’. I haven’t absolutely broken that mindset but I am taking each day as it comes. Not able to conceive is not my weakness, accepting that I never can will be my weakness.

I will Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish and not let anyone define me by my fertility. 

Now that you know about my #TTC life I want you to stick this quote in your mind forever:

“A small social guideline: don't ask a woman if she is pregnant unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina, and she asks you to cut the cord. Then and only then may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.” ― Nia Vardalos, Instant Mom

Day 15 – Letter to the person you miss the most

Dear child in me,

Where are you? I do hope you are still here even though I cannot feel the presence. I need you. Do you know I am walking on the toughest path of my life? I shine a smile on my face but no one knows the struggle within me.

Image Source

There is no one to talk to. There are many, but there is no person whom I can speak to carefree. I want to be like you again - a child, who lives with no fear, who lives life to the fullest, who is happy with the smallest things in life.

I have seen you working hard for the goals you set without any distractions. I am just not able to do it. I procrastinate, procrastinate and procrastinate. WTH! is going on with me? I am struggling to balance all the sections of life but keep falling down.

You were so simple. You never expected anything out of the reach yet you were there - on the top, happy, content and always focused.

The loneliness never bothered you, but its killing me. Trust me I try my best to keep myself busy. But there comes a time of stillness. When there is no sound, yet the voice inside my head screams. "Why? When? How?"

I am waiting for a miracle. Is there anything like a miracle? Or is it only a way to pacify ourselves that everything will be alright? I haven't put a veil on the reality but I fear of breaking down.

Please come back.

Yours,
who lost you while growing up.

Day 14 – Letter to Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear H,

I have drifted away from you emotionally. You are the most depressive person I have met. Trust me I tried hard, really hard to cope with your mood swings but they are horrible than my hormones. What should I call our relation? Compromise? Adjustment? I decide not to label it.

Photo by Pete Bellis on Unsplash

You have done a lot for me. I appreciate it. But by the end the ‘doing’ is felt as I owe you something and all the appreciation vanishes.

What have I gained from this relation? The feeling of unworthy, the feeling of being useless. The worst side of me would have never risen had it not been for you.

I had been counselled relationship don’t work like this but not for me, anymore.

Yours probably,

Who will always be there for you but with the heart of stone.

Image designed in Canva

Day 13 – Letter to Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear God,

I seek your forgiveness because I always doubt about your existence. But you make it so hard for me to believe in you. Yes I am not the one who gives a specific time period of the day remembering you. 

I am not the one who chants your name 108 times every single day. I am not the one who prays or looks at you while passing by you (in temple). And sometimes even if I join my hands I do not bow myself because I am angry at you.

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Forgive me for not praying to your so many avatars. I get angry at those who make me to pray in avatar of ‘this’ or ‘that’. Because for me your existence is not in various but ‘one’.

Right from the age we start to learn and grasp things we are made to learn ‘God helps those who help themselves.’ Sadly as I grew up what I see is everyone busy praying to you rather than helping the needy. Don’t get me wrong there are many who donate money or food. But for me the question arises: Are they doing with the thought of ‘selflessness’ or for increasing their ‘good deeds’ or as called in hindi – ‘punya’?

If all of these I think is wrong then forgive me. I am not an atheist, I have faith in you. Yes I do sometimes feel you are punishing me with this current life situation but at the end it leaves me thinking what if you are testing my faith in you?

Forgive me for my angriest side I show to you more often these days. Each and every passing day the barrenness is snatching my breath and faith in you.

Yours,

Who else could it be?

Day 12 – Letter to the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

I will never start this letter with 'Dear'. You people who I hate most do not deserve the 'dear'. You caused me the emotional pain which I had begin to believe there wasn't a cure for. I never believed there would be people like you in my life. 

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My life was doomed. You have no idea how much pain you people had caused. I had begun to wish each day there shouldn’t be a tomorrow for me. Days were painful and horrendous near you. The thoughts of ‘death’ and ‘to escape’ overpowered my brain. I had wished to die, to give up everything because I couldn’t pick myself up.

Wait there is more! I had failed myself in life. I had wanted to jump in front of the train or die in any circumstances within few seconds - the only escape from that pain.

I had to suffer and bear the ‘most painful’ disease condition recorded in medical history. I lived through that pain with gritted teeth and swallowing my own voice of hurt. But neither of you understood the pain.

I had endured the pain for what? For standing up for myself and being me! You tried to deter my courage by weakening me. You wanted me to be a puppet with the strings in your hands. But you know what- the pain made me stronger. I was in darkness all the way to realize - You never had the strings of my life!

Everything happens for a reason and after meeting you I have realized never, ever be dependent on anyone for your happiness. If I can’t pick myself up from the rut, no one will.

I took a wrong turn and met you. It wasn't the road less traveled but it is the road where I turned to be 'me' as I am today. 

I will never wish bad for you because Karma is a b***h and it will get you.

From the one who will never be yours.

The Lovely Bones- Life after Death

Well that sounded bit weird, life after death?! But Susie Salmon the protagonist in the book The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold has a flicker of life within her. She was raped and murdered at the tender age of fourteen by her neighbor George Harvey. I haven’t spoiled the story for you as from the beginning Susie tells us about her killer lurking everyday on the earth so close to her family.

Even after death she wants to share her story because even in the heaven sharing lessens her pain. She quotes, “Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain. It was that day that I knew I wanted to tell the story of my family. Because horror on Earth is real and it is every day. It is like a flower or like the sun; it cannot be contained.” 

There are many Susie around us. Some coming out to talk about the horrendous act and some silently die each day but still living. There are more than 1000 rape cases reported in a year in India. The numbers might be more than this which are hidden in the dark corners. Who is at fault? This question distresses me. Is the upbringing at fault? Is the illiteracy a cause? But there are sexual assaults reported in high profile, educated crowd too. Or is it the law? Or should we blame on the hormones?

I am not being a feminist because sexual assault is not limited to females.

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Coming back to the book, the story narrates how the death of a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover has impact on the every single life attached to her. It is so difficult for Susie’s parents (Jack and Abigail Salmon) to accept their loving daughter is brutally murdered. A father’s instinct is so strong that he knew who killed his angel. A mother who knew her daughter is no more but couldn’t come to the term as no one except Len Fenerman, the detective talks about his thoughts and 'who killed Susie?' It is the first time Abigail hears from someone that her daughter has 'died'. 

The death of Susie creates the turmoil in Jack and Abigail relationship. ‘Escaping’ from the family is the only option left with Abigail. Lindsey and Buckley, the sister and brother are wonderful characters with maturity at young age.

The characters of Ruth and Ray Singh (her friends) are commendable. It is delightful reading their part in the story.

Though the book has a touch of fantasy in it, the story is close to reality. There is no twist and turn or any suspense but goes along the course as life does. There are few chapters I couldn’t agree with but then who has seen life after death? Susie watches over her family and how their life shapes with absence of her.

There is only one instance in the book where ‘The Lovely Bones’ is mentioned. “These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections-sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent-that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.” 

The book deserves to be read. 

Don't Love Me 2.2

She peeked through the window and saw the full moon beaming at her. She smiled. She smiled to herself after long. She found solace in the moonlight at that very moment making the hollowness in her life disappear.

She flipped through the pages of her journal which she had begun to write again, again after abandoning writing since few years. Her fears, her anxiety, the terror, the dread were cascading on the paper. The outpouring of the emotions lessened her burden.

She had stopped groping for love. She dreaded 'Love' after meeting him. She never read about such love in books or poems she adored.

She wrote down: “This is not love. You don’t love me. Because love never hurts. Love never makes one want to die. Love gives warmth in fear. Love gives strength in weakness. Love never abuses. Love gives assurance. Your love is not love. Don’t Love Me!”

  Image Source

Previous posts:

Don't Love Me 2.1

Don't Love Me 1.2

Don't Love Me 1.1

Don't Love Me 1

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Advice to My Younger Self

Dear 18 year old Poonam,

You have recovered from the most distressing illness but the ones who never had it will not know how it has sucked the energy out of you. It has not only destroyed you physically but also emotionally. It pulled you back hard from the ‘ambition’. The path you would be walking will be smooth for a while but it will take a drastic turn which you will not see coming. It is going to be difficult. You might fall hard on the face and no one will be beside to pick you up. Here’s my advice for you:

      Love and Pick Yourself Up

Do not wait for anyone to feel like being loved. Nurture self-love every day of your life. You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. Take time to care for self. Focus on the health. It is always okay to treat and pamper. Never be embarrassed if you fall down. Pick yourself up. You can do it, always!

      Be ‘You’

Do not try to copy others and never compare yourself to others. Be inspired from the successful people and also from the ones you meet day-to-day who have worked hard for where they are right now. Always remember: Be the Best version of ‘You’!

 Never Give Up

It won’t be easy to achieve  goals. Work, work and work hard. Fail! But continue working on the task. Perseverance is the only key to get there where you want to be. Never, never, never ever give up. Also do not try to please others. PeeCee says: “If you like me, that’s great! If you don’t like me, I don’t care.” Make this the theme of your life.

 Live in this very moment

Stop living in past. It has left you. It is time you leave it. Stop being anxious about future. Future won’t be good if you do not focus on today. Life is short, make the most of it. It is high-time. Dance if you feel like. Scream if you want to. Sing if you want to. Write what you feel and want to. Do not shy and suppress your emotions.

      Life goes on

You might know the truth of it but life goes on and it will get better. It always gets better, sooner or later.

Mark the words of Colonel Sanders the founder of KFC bold in your life: “You got to like your work. You have got to like what you are doing, you have got to be doing something worthwhile so you can like it – because it is worthwhile that it makes a difference, don’t you see?”

Lots of love and hugs (because no one will give it when you need them),

Poonam

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Day 11 – A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear young lad,

It was the first and last day that we meant. I remember you very well and always will. You were chatty and did not look ill but the cancer was feeding on you.  I remember how you talked about the school and friends. You did not shy away when I started the conversation.

The doc was going to operate on you and everything would have been alright. But it did not. There was no ‘next day’ for you. Life is unpredictable and unfair.

Your last breathe! The memory is still crystal clear: one deep inhale and you were gone. I remember your mother sitting on stairs alone. It wasn’t her but I in front of you during the last breathe. How strange is life! How I had thought in those few seconds to pull you back and not let you go.

No medical equipment was able to review you. When you were taken in ICU I saw your parents. She wasn’t crying. She was calm on outside but I could feel her, losing her child.

Rest in peace.

Yours,

The one who will keep you alive in memory